to love or not to love.

Putting words to how I have been feeling over this new chapter in my life has been difficult. I hope this entry does some justice. In truth it would mean being a little more vulnerable to you as you read this. Its just scary sharing a part of my heart when I am unsure how you will take it or react, but because I need to let it out of my system here it goes…
There has not been a week since coming here that has gone by without me crying( I have been here 6 weeks). I never thought that it would be so painful leaving my children in Mozambique. difficult I envisioned, nostalgia I knew I could handle but pain, heart wrenching pain never in my wildest dreams. I am quite sure on some occasions the neighbours must have heard the craziness going on in my house, cos by no means did I cry in a lady like manner, noooo a passionate person like me has to cry passionately as well. lol.
I have come to realise that 7 years of  faithfully loving a group of children can not easily be let go. How can I even come close to explaining this love? Maybe you have heard me explain how I have fought for their rights, how I have buried many, and how I have learned to love even those whom the rest of the world would not love. But that still does no justice to describing half of what is burning in me, if only you could walk a mile in my shoes:)
  A part of me has questioned could I, should I ever love as I loved those children? is it worth going through all this pain again with another group of children? … I know I will love again, maybe even more than I loved when I was in Mozambique(if its, I was made to love with every fibre in me. Even though its tempting, I wont go about protecting my heart from this pain, when Jesus brings me children to love I will love them like its my first time. I just don’t see who I am without this passionate love burning in me, compelling me to pour myself into the lives of so many more children who will come my way.
Today the pain is there but bearable maybe tomorrow I will cry myself to sleep, maybe it just proves that I have lived, I may have not experienced the fun that kids in their 20s experience but I would never ever exchange those 7 years for anything else.

love? yes I will love again!


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