God, you have dissapointed me.

Sometimes I like to think my heart is like a house with many rooms and expansive walls where pieces of art of various sizes are hung. In many of these rooms I enjoy inviting people to freely roam as I share with them the meaning behind each piece. My favorite pieces are the huge ones that represent amazing logic defying God moments.

If you came visiting friend you would find a large piece of when I was 15 being told by one neurologist and 2 doctors that I would live the rest of my life with epilepsy because of scarring to a certain part of my brain(another story for another time). You would see that after 6 months of constant fits and taking up to 9 different medication a day I got tired of it all and told God, I could not, would not accept what the doctors had told me and expected that He would defy them and heal me…He did! My life has never been the same since then.

You would find another of when all I had left was 2 days before 200 children would come to my house to get fun, christmas presents and food( 2 meals per day) for 5 days and we had no money to cover anything. Without sending out emails of desperate pleas for help we quietly asked God to fix the situation and oh how he did,  20 mins after praying we received a phone call from friends saying they wanted to cover all the costs. The children had the time of their lives. God came through for us!

Then there are other rooms where the pieces are still being painted, history being made and more amazing logic defying God moments just waiting to happen.

Still, there are other rooms that are difficult to visit. No matter how far away I throw the keys, from time to time I find them back in my hand, stuck like glue forcing me to open the door to what I can only describe as the dark basement of my heart.

Here you will find portrait’s covered in dust, some slashed, torn or burned others covered in black paint all feeble attempts to cover what once was beautiful but turned into something too painful gaze upon. The air in this room hangs heavy with disappointment, pain and dare I say … failure. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to destroy a canvas little tell-tale signs always remind of what it used to represent.

Here is the piece of the little boy with crippling cerebral palsy that I visited and poured my love on, praying that God would change his sad difficult life. A week later the mother fed him boiling oil because she got tired of looking after him. He lived a life of constant pain and left this world in excruciating pain…he was only 7. God let me down, that’s what the black paint covering the portrait represents.

This one is after praying and fasting for 5 days pleading with God that he protect the few girls under my care against the horrors of rape only to be presented with the toughest rape case I have yet dealt with. My little girl was so badly raped by two men that she could not walk for 2 weeks. ..she was only 8. God bitterly disappointed me, that’s what the shredding and the burning state.

If you look more carefully in the darker corners you will find pieces that not only are torn, burned and covered in black paint but are also stuffed away so that if my eyes wander around, I don’t accidentally see them. These are the times when I was 110% sure I was doing what God wanted and that even when it became impossibly difficult to stand firm eventually I would come out victorious. Only in these paintings, a sense of complete confusion and failure complete the piece. God you hurt me, that’s what my heart says.

I don’t have proper answers for all the difficult situations I have met that make me question on many occasions if trusting in Jesus is really worth it.  After spending time in the basement I always come out knowing this, my God is perplexing and unpredictable and He is no genie that will do my bidding. Even when I cannot see it He is always working everything to His glory.

Question is, can I continue to put my trust in the  God who reserves the right not to explain to me why ?!

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6 thoughts on “God, you have dissapointed me.

  1. Trust in thhe Lord with all your heart. And lean not on your own understandings. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.

  2. I understand you. I am sure that we have disappointed God many more times and we dont expect Him to disappoint us, but it does happen, we let it happen, becoz we cant find an explanation that we like, to his decisions. I dont think we can help these feelings, becoz we want to know the reason behind actions and decisions, thats part of our nature, the nature in us that God has created. When we receive no answers we become doubtful, disappointed, angry. I havent found a way to fight these feelings, so im sorry i cant give any hints.

  3. Soooooo… the book. Where can I buy it?!? You’re such an amazing pen.

    Those dark paintings we all have stored somewhere – it’s what makes us interesting and wise.. The toughest ones are the ones I painted myself though, probably as a rebellion to God..
    maaaaan, it would love to be able to have them removed.. Or be able to hand them over to my parents as I have securely tagged them as “daddy issues” or “messed childhood” in an attempt to free myself of responsibility for some of my not-so-fantastic decisions made in life :o) “there you go, mom, this is yours, bon apetit..”

    Now some of the paintings you are having painted at this moment, are paintings that have children’s laughter and accomplishments, play and love smudged all over them, right?! Bright yellow with green and pink spots with a broccoli in the corner, I imagine.
    I bet you their laughter and smiles, their happiness, would not be so bright if you hadn’t experienced the sadness and misery of the unfortunate ones..

    Those dark and painful paintings are waaay to expensive (you know how much they cost you) to just store away and ignore.. but they make a powerful background that adds tonnes to the depth and meaning of the new ones. Those happy, bright paintings, stand out so explicitly because they are painted with such a deep contrast. The bright is so bright because of the dark that it leans on.

    The people you have seen suffer, were shown to you for a reason. The crazy mind of a desperate mother was revealed to you because God knows what you can handle. And he didn’t give you these paintings for no reason. They are precious tools – heavy to carry, but very handy at times. They taught you a lesson that will enable you to do something as wonderful as grow balls to go to S-America and love foreign children so much that they might paint their profile picture with it and carry it into their future!!! I think that’s pretty awesome.
    ..And I don’t think you’d go through all that trouble if your paintings were all mellow pink clouds on a sunny background (- booooooring!)

    I have only met you once – but I’ll never forget you. You have such a strong presence, Shula. Such a strong character with so much personality, full of yummy knowledge, drive and experiences that anyone would be lucky to hear about.

    If anyone can do a big chunk of good change in this world – maybe even save it – it’s probably you, if those kids with bright profile pics to beat you to it…

    • oh my…I dont know what to say but thank you! I love how you put everything together, it makes so much more sense…I will begin to cherish those tough paintings even more…thank you soo much…wow…thank you!

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