Soo…why aren’t you married?

(This post will resonate more with christian girls who are over 25, single and practising celibacy but if you don’t fit into this group you are still welcome to reading my 2 cents on the matter 🙂 )
When someone asks me  that question I always wonder what goes on in their brain to ask such a dumb question. Often its asked by someone I just met who has a significant other and who is doing a very bad job at small talk. Sometimes this person is desperate to give me advise on how to change my status, forget the fact that I have not asked for their help. I don’t know about you friend but last time I checked getting married is not as easy as walking into a store and buying a pair of cute havaianas. Granted there are some girls who have this strange ability of having a string of men begging to marry them but that’s not normal.

Night time by the Maputo habour.
Night time by the Maputo habour.

As my circle of single friends gets smaller by the year, I often think about my journey as a single girl. Until the age of 25 I really didn’t care if I got married or not, it would happen when it happened is what I always said. But something changed when I turned 25, no, I didn’t meet anyone special, as far as I can remember I woke up one morning and thought, ” forget not caring, I want to get married too!” I will confess until then I had been living under a rock when it comes to how some girls grow up with the obsession for marriage. When the marriage bug finally bit me, suddenly I understood why some girls are so desperate to get hitched. If one doesn’t learn to control the bug, the bug will definitely control you. Society doesn’t make it any easier when it persistently tells us, “you are not good enough until you have someone in your life.” To this day I still find it hard to fully comprehend how someone can build their identity around the idea that only marriage will make them complete. Boy am I glad I got clued up to all this at 25 🙂

Anyways, depending on what social group I am in, I have different reactions to my celibate single status; sometimes I am looked at with high respect (because I stick to my beliefs regardless) other times pity (because I am missing out on copious amounts of casual sex). My personal favourite is what I think is how people would look at an alien if they saw one for the first time, a mixture of fear and wonder. I remember when I was in the US a couple years ago, a group of girls between the ages of 19 and 21 asked me how do I “cope” being single at 25. The way they asked you would think I was living with a terminal illness. Until that moment I didn’t think anyone could ever see me as the: “old maid,” you learn something new every day I guess. I tell you friend, when you travel around you meet strange folk. I don’t remember what my response was but I will never forget the look of utter dread on one of the girls face and she ended the conversation saying: ” I hope I am never like you.” I didn’t find her comment funny at the time. I wonder what she would think if she heard that 4 years later, I was still single.LOL. Granted whilst in the States I moved amongst social groups were the average person got married between the ages of 18 and 24. So it is understandable that these girls found my situation rather scary as I had unwittingly questioned their worldview of: “one should be married and be having kids by 25.” I bet after they talked to me they each secretly prayed I wasn’t contagious 😀

I don’t know if I will ever get married, if I do it would only be with someone who shares my beliefs. The way the world is right now, I know my personal beliefs are in the minority and therefore finding a like minded person is quite difficult but for me marriage is a lifelong commitment never to be taken lightly. Rather be single and deal with all the annoying and sometimes difficult aspects that come with being alone than marry someone just to fit in with the rest of them and live in my own personal hell for the rest of my life. Because of my personal relationship I have with Jesus Christ, contrary to popular belief, I believe it is possible to be single and content.


5 thoughts on “Soo…why aren’t you married?

  1. Love your post, Shula!

    Yes, it resonates with me, as I fit quite nicely into that “christian girls who are over 25, single and practising celibacy” group!

    I too believe it is possible to be single and content…although I have definitely struggled with it. But as I said here when I threw in my 2 cents worth last year, God has my heart, and what He wants for me is what I want for me.

  2. Schula I wish I would have had your wisdom and convictions much earlier in life! You are an honorable woman and you are right there are very few people that share the worldview that The Word says what He means and He means what He says. I would have saved my self and loved ones a lifetime of hurts if I would have gotten that BEFORE I spent 4 years in Recovery lol. I love you sister and am honored to know you. You are a rare treasure!
    In Agape,
    Laura Halder

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